HERE'S JONNY 2x4!
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: A typical day can turn out to be quite unusual in just a matter of seconds. A gullible, innocent youngster can change drastically from one single mishap. WARNING: Slasher-fic!


**Remember **_**HERE'S JONNY 2x4**_**? Well I deleted it last year because, well, the scene with the Kanker Sisters in it gave me a reason. I discovered that someone in my school found out about my account. I went ape-shit and deleted some of the best stories that I have written simply because they were sexually explicit. Well, I have re-edited this fic, and now it's back. If you enjoyed that Kanker scene, grand. But if you thought it was inappropriate, well, you are about to be disappointed again.  
**

**I'd like to clarify that this fic goes against the overall continuation of the programme. Let's just say that Eddy's brother has a way of sneaking into the Cul-de-sac all the way from the seaside, without most of the residents noticing, and that no-one, not even Eddy or Ed, have found out about Double-D's dark secret.**

**WARNING: none of the actions undertaking in this fic are to be imitated in real life. SERIOUSLY, you can get seriously messed up. Also, this fic may trigger really bad nightmares and it contains really inappropriate content, so YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own **_**Ed, Edd n' Eddy**_**. If I did, the show would not be innocent enough to be classified as a children's TV show, not even by European standards (which are more lenient than the American standards, mind you).**

* * *

HERE'S JONNY 2x4!

* * *

Jonny 2x4 was playing with Plank at the building site. It was a great place for the children and teenagers of Peach Creek to hang out, especially after the site was discovered to be unsuitable for housing and the builders consequently abandoned the project altogether, leaving behind most of the apparatus. But today was truly special for Jonny and Plank, since they had the site all to themselves. The adults, per usual, were at work, have gone shopping or were in their bedrooms doing some stuff with their partners, spouses or mistresses, or whatever. The children or teenagers were playing or hanging about elsewhere, obviously steering clear from the master bedrooms.

Jonny decided to climb the frames of the unfinished houses, with his left arm wrapped around Plank. This was a dangerous position for Plank, but of course, Jonny perceived Plank as a living thing capable of climbing the frames of unfinished buildings, so he ignored the danger. Jonny reached the top of the frame and stood up straight to get a good view of his surroundings. He smiled and turned to Plank.

"Cool view, huh Plank?" he beamed. He paused. "Plank?" he wondered, when he noticed that he was not holding Plank. He looked around frantically. He looked down. A horrible sight met his eyes. A few metres right below Jonny's feet was Plank, perched right on the table saw. Jonny shrieked and scurried down the frame. He rushed over to the table saw to retrieve Plank. Unfortunately, Jonny tripped and fell, landing right in front of the machine. He felt his hand slam against a button. He also heard the sound of a blade cutting through wood.

Jonny rose up frantically to see the last thing he ever wanted to see. The solar-powered table saw was cutting through Plank from bottom to top, right before Jonny's very eyes. The saw was eventually finished with cutting Plank in half. The two halves of what was once Plank fell off the table saw and plopped onto the ground.

That did it for Jonny. He lunged for an axe that was also left unattended by the builders. He raised the axe up in the air and destroyed the table saw with it. This caused the saw to fly off into the air and jam into one of the two pieces that used to be what Plank was made of. Jonny snarled and glared that ruins that used to be the table saw.

Jonny sat down and tried to reflect on the times he and Plank had together. But all he could remember were the times when his peers would act like Plank didn't exist. Jonny even recalled a time when Sarah would scream at Jonny to get real for thinking that Plank was real. This hurt Jonny deeply. And then he snapped.

"They will pay!" hissed Jonny 2x4. "Mark my works: all of them! They will all pay!"

* * *

"ED BOY!" growled Rolf as he entered his farm. "You trespass into Rolf's farm and engage in coitus with Rolf's chickens, yes?!"

Ed stuck his head out of the box where he was shifting the chickens. He didn't look so happy. "Aw, come on Rolf, but I love chickens!" he whined.

"That is not an excuse to ride Rolf's chickens!" Rolf snarled. "Rolf will have his revenge!" He ran off into his tool shed to search for something to beat Ed over the head with. Right after the son of a shepherd entered the shed, Rolf heard the door slam shut. He whirled around to face Jonny 2x4; axe in hand.

"Jonny wood boy, what are you doing in Rolf's shed?!" Rolf demanded. "Can you not see that Rolf is undertaking a quest to restore Rolf's honour after Rolf caught the airheaded Ed boy shagging Rolf's chickens?!" Jonny ignored Rolf and ganged up on the farmer. He drew back his arm, then he connected the sharp end of the axe with Rolf's neck, beheading Rolf in the process. Jonny opened the door and exited the tool shed. He saw Ed laying with his back to the ground. He was fully naked and the chickens were plucking at Ed's body in a sexual way, or so Ed perceived.

Ed noticed Jonny and flashed the loner kid with his big, goofy grin. "Jonny!" he called out. "Come on over and join the fun! There's room for one more!" Jonny responded by advancing towards Ed, but not because he was interested in doing what Ed was doing or what the chickens were doing. He raised the axe up into the air and brought the axe down on Ed's neck. The chickens continued to peck at Ed's headless body as Jonny left Rolf's farm.

* * *

Kevin was pulling off an array of stunts on his bike in the lane. Nazz was seated on the fence, observing this with excitement. She even looked like she was getting an orgasm from seeing Kevin show off on his bike. Jonny was most certainly displeased. He glared and Kevin and Nazz from the tree trop he was perched upon. Suddenly, Kevin performed a full 360 degree backflip, taking the bike along with him, before landing safely in the upright position. That did it for Nazz; she had her orgasm.

That did it for Jonny as well; he fired the axe at Kevin. The axe got wedged in between the spokes of Kevin's bicycle just as Kevin was in the process of performing another stunt. This prompted the bike to sway out of control until Kevin was rocketed off the bike and landed on the ground in a heap. The axe immediately freed itself from the front wheel and its sharp end was subsequently connected with the jock's neck, beheading him. Meanwhile, the bicycle was flown into the air before crashing into Nazz, who fell backwards off the fence and landed into a bear trap and Jonny laid out (he found the bear trap in the estate). Jonny was a little upset that he killed Nazz, but he also felt that if he cannot have Nazz, then no one can.

* * *

"ED! COME OUT AND SHOW YOUR FACE SO I CAN KILL YOU!"

All was not well at Ed and Sarah's house. Sarah was pissed off because Ed made her a sandwich with brown bread and she wanted white bread. True, Ed and Sarah's mother did say that she was going to package Ed off to the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus if he ever fed Sarah white bread again. But Sarah wanted white bread and she made it clear that she was going to fib to her mother anyway even if she did get brown bread. So anyway, Sarah was armed with a rifle, ready to shoot Ed with it. She kicked open the door to the basement and marched down the stairs. She yanked open the door to Ed's bedroom.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDD!" Sarah roared. She froze when she noticed that none other than Jonny 2x4 was standing right in front of her.

"JONNY YOU IDIOT, WHAT ARE DOING IN MY HOUSE?!" demanded Sarah. Jonny responded by decapitating Sarah. He realised that he was probably doing Ed a favour by killing him earlier on. Sarah was a bitch, along with her parents for babying her while treating Ed like shit.

* * *

"DANCE!" yelled Eddy's older brother.

Jimmy danced and twirled around in a frilly, pink ballet dress that Eddy's brother forced him to wear. It was obvious by the look on Jimmy's face that he did not want to do that, but he also knew that Eddy's brother had a gun on him.

Suddenly, the front door was axed down. Jonny stood at the doorway. It wasn't so hard for him to break down the door; it was the same old derelict house Kevin lured the Eds into last summer. Eddy's brother noticed Jonny and scowled.

"Who the hell are you?!" he demanded. "Get lost!" Jonny shook his head in disapproval of Eddy's brother's behaviour and threw the axe at him. The axe landed on his head, killing him. Jonny removed the axe from Eddy's brother's skull.

"My hero!" Jimmy beamed, running up to Jonny and hugging him. This proved to be a big mistake on Jimmy's part, as Jonny impaled Jimmy with the axe to his nape. Jonny smiled evilly as he exited the building in search of more victims.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Park n' Flush, the Kanker Sisters were cackling madly as they watched porn on the computer. Jonny looked in through the big, oval-shaped window and saw that they were looking at femslash videos on YouTube. He also noticed that the Kanker Sisters have just had a threesome because of the sweat on their half-naked bodies. He got turned on. Sadly, the Kanker Sisters heard him grunting outside the kitchen window and they angrily ran outside to teach Jonny a lesson for violating their right to privacy (ain't it ironic how that sounds?). Jonny threw the axe at them, decapitating all three Kanker Sisters in one single throw. Jonny decided to watch some more of these videos on the Kanker Sister's computer before leaving.

* * *

Eddy's eyes were as wide as dinner plates. He was sitting on the floor of Double-D's basement, where Double-D stood in front of him, swaying his arms about like a hyperactive windmill. Plus, his hat was off.

"SEE WHY?!" shrieked Double-D. "SEE WHY I ALWAYS WEAR MY HAT?! SEE WHY I NEVER TAKE MY HAT OFF?! SEE WHY MY NICKNAME IS DOUBLE-D BESIDES THE FACT THAT MY NAME HAS TWO D'S IN IT?!"

"Jesus Double-Dick you only needed to tell me!" snapped Eddy. He was so horrified by what he was seeing that he did not have the energy to raise his voice.

Fortunately, Jonny came to the rescue. Well, technically not to the rescue, but to put Eddy out of his misery, that's for sure. But first, Jonny chopped off Double-D's head, which landed on Eddy's lap. Eddy looked down at Double-D's head in sheer horror. Feeling sorry for him, Jonny raised the axe one final time and brought it down on Eddy, vertically cutting him in half. Considering the circumstances, it was a relatively quick and easy swing.

* * *

Jonny stood atop the highest cliff in and around Peach Creek. He cackled like a maniac and stuck up his middle finger at the sky before diving off the cliff and plummeting to the ground.

* * *

**Well, let's hope none of ye will be having nightmares for the next few weeks, although I can't guarantee that. If you thought that fic was disgusting, well, there are many fics on this website that are much worse than this. If you have never read them before, then you can count yourself lucky. Oh yeah, and welcome to the real world, where things are messed up so bad it's no wonder we turn to fiction so often.**

**And in case you were wondering about what happened to the adults, well, I'm not going to go there. You can figure it out for yourselves.**

**Until next time!**


End file.
